Dear... February, March & April

Sunday, 7 May 2017

I'm sorry I didn't write to you all individually. I have no excuse really, well I do actually; you were all painful months. Positive non-the-less but after January the pain carried on. It's not like I believed it would go away but under all the things I was doing 2 or 3 bad days were always lurking. So when I came to sit down to write to you all, I couldn't bring myself to remember the shit things. But now I'm ready and even though you were all a bit sour tasting, I got so much done and proved myself and many others wrong multiple times. I think the main themes for this month (if this blog did themes) would be pride and belief, how incredibly cheesy:

February you went by in a blur, a stressful blur, as did you March, oh dear. After what January brought a long I decided to focus all of my energy on my work and just getting through this degree. Mid March I burnt out spectacularly; in a heap on the kitchen floor balling to Ed Sheeran's new album, I realised that wound I had sealed together with cheap, flimsy, thin tape (metaphors) had opened up again in spectacular fashion. I was overwhelmed, my life felt like it was a mess and my dissertation was due in 2 weeks. I decided to visit a therapist, just to talk to a stranger that didn't know me or my situation. It was helpful and with the help of multiple to-do lists and supportive phone calls I got through March and even handed in my dissertation in time, I remember that evening being so incredibly proud of myself but I was waiting for the sense of relief to arrive and it didn't and I didn't know why. It's because I was exhausted, physically and emotionally and therefor; even though I had other assignments due I just stopped doing work. I took myself home for a bit and to my cats and my sofa and didn't think about anything for a while. Life had to carry on though and come April I found myself some thicker duct tape (more metaphors) and sealed that wound good and proper.

I went back to Uni again and April; you brought a whole new sense of energy and hope. I completed a presentation in which I got a great mark and I was once again proud of myself. My bad days were becoming more and more scarce and I was beginning to plan for the future again. I now have a thorough and organised plan for the summer and that makes me feel so much more comfortable and happy. I was even able to introduce a social life back into my schedule. We had a fun film night where we watched La La Land and I cried for all the right reasons and Kill Bill vol 1 and 2, we laughed into the early morning and ate pizza. The sun was starting to peek out and even though you brought a long your usual April showers, the weather was noticeably warmer and the evenings were getting lighter. After a little discussion with my therapist and my friends I have decided to take an extension for my last piece of work, meaning that I should have finished Uni by now but instead I am completing my last assignment well into May. I had this weird pride of not needing an extension for my dissertation that I shouldn't have felt, I wanted to complete it without any to prove something to myself? But realistically an extension is the best idea, I know it is. I don't want to rush the end of my degree, I want to do the best I can do and this will give me more time. 

April you ended with a positive feeling. I went to the LGBTQ+ building in Carlisle to help out with a photoshoot for our Zine and I had the opportunity to work with professional photographers, stylists and make up artists, but I also got to meet some of the most inspirational children. It's a well known fact that I don't have a maternal bone in my body and would rather have a conversational with an adult than a child. But these kids were different, some of them had been through a lot, identifying as LGBTQ+ from a very young age and being constantly bullied for it. Some were just incredibly accepting of the LGBTQ+ community and the youngest child there was 7 and probably had more knowledge about the community than most adults. The parents were also so inspiring and I left the shoot feeling so full and content, knowing that people like this exist and that the following generations are generally going to be more accepting than ours. Those kids had their heads screwed on, voicing their concerns about the environment and self discovery, it was just so inspiring and surprising for someone like me who just thinks kids are 'silly, tiny human beans'. 

Once again I'm sorry I didn't write to you February, March & April, but I kind of want to forget about you, well parts of you. I'm only looking forward, I hope you understand. Coming into May I feel the best I have felt in a long time and I'm starting to realise that this wound, no matter how much duct tape I apply (metaphors), it's going to be opening up for a while yet. Until I can look down at it and see it only as a scar and a mark of what I went through, it's going to carry on hurting and I need to let it. 

I have very exciting plans for summer and I'm just going to focus on that for now. I've come so far, it's now time to go a bit further. 


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