I Don't Know About You

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Can we firstly just appreciate this wonderful card my boo Emily made for me, it's me and her on the moon, it's safe to say I cried.

So today I turn 22 and everything feels different. Obviously I knew this year would be different because there's been a huge shift in my life that I can't deny or ignore, but I feel like there's something else going on. I feel like I have changed so much in one year. I don't even recognise myself in photographs, there's something else behind my eyes, maybe it's the bags that have gradually grown underneath mine that make the difference. Maybe it's because I felt more in control back then. Last year I thought I was a bit lost but nothing compares to how I feel this year. Everything is completely up in the air. For the first time in my life I don't have a plan past September, that would have scared me last year, it would have terrified me, I would have completely shut down. But now I feel kind of excited, don't get me wrong I spent months feeling scared and just wanting to shut myself in my house and never leave. But my new frame of mind has turned my situation into something exhilarating and exciting, I could literally be anywhere next year, that's exciting. 

I feel older. I don't normally like Birthdays but this year I feel like I need to celebrate how far I've come. I'm having a house party with my friends and I'm so glad we're doing something because I didn't want to be alone. I'm also going to have a drink and see how it goes, haven't drank since January. Two years ago I was spiked in a nightclub and my whole relationship with going out and alcohol changed and that all happened on my Birthday. For the first time I felt vulnerable and not just giddy and happy and that vulnerability when I drank never went away. I just don't feel the need to be drunk anymore, but that said I will have some wine, maybe I'll hate it, maybe it'll taste like vinegar we'll just have to see. 

22 ey, I can't get over it and how different I feel. Birthdays never used to matter, it was just another day and it still is just another day. Today I went to work and now I'm sat in bed but everything feels different. I feel like how I felt when I turned 18, like everything was infront of me. Little did I know that there was going to be so much more infront of me now I'm a bit older. It's a mixture of emotions, mostly excitement, I'll probably cry tonight but that's okay It's my party and I'll cry if I want to after all. 

I'm sorry, I don't know what this post is. I'm feeling emotional and reminiscent, I guess it's a cathartic stream of consciousness, I'm now going to drink a little bit of wine and celebrate the fact I am one step closer to my inevitable end (wow), why do we even celebrate that? Birthdays are weird. Bye. 



  1. I know this is a little late but Happy Birthday Ciara! I hope you have an amazing day and don't worry if the alcohol thing isn't your cup of tea. You can certainly march to the beat of your own drum. I hope 22 brings you lots of lovely things.

    S x
    Paper & Lilacs

    1. Aw thank you so much! I did actually and no I'm still trying to see if I can have the occasional drink or just cut it out altogether, Thank you Samantha!