Dear September & October

Tuesday, 31 October 2017


I'm sorry I haven't written sooner, I try to stay on top of these letters, but I've been trying to work out what to say and gather my thoughts. Let's start with September, normally a time for change and settling into routine but for me this year was different and it took me longer to settle than I thought. 

September, you were slow and tiring. I returned from a different country, a completely different culture and because of this change I just hid away and relished in my home comforts. Sicily was amazing but I am such a homebody at heart. Everyone else was heading off to Uni and jobs etc. And I was to remain in the bedroom I grew up in. This meant a lot of contemplation, a lot of thoughts, a lot of analysing the things I had found out about myself in Sicily; some good, some bad. It was quite nice actually, to live quietly for a bit after a mad few months. There was no routine though, I couldn't seem to stick to anything, I was waking up at 2 and going to sleep at 5, wasn't too great. There were wonderful parts of September though, the weather was gorgeous and I played some lovely gigs close to home. 

September you made me realise I wasn't alone and that there are soo many other people my age, older and younger that have no idea what they're doing with their lives. I'm so, so lucky to be in the same boat as some of my best friends, so we can share our feelings and empathise our misplacement in the world with each other. Complain about adults telling us we need to 'get a move on' and realise that we have bags of time and that we're going to be okay.My month of contemplation also allowed me to focus a bit more on music and I wrote some songs that I am pretty proud of. Basically you were calm and slow September and without mentioning the increasing bouts of anxiety that I was trying to ignore, you were steady although I didn't feel it and that's all I needed. 

 October, you came a long with cold nights and brown leaves and the need for chai lattes again. You have always been my favourite month, so I knew this year I was going to make it count. I half succeeded. I established a routine so I could feel normal again, but October; you went by in a flash, why do you always do that?! One minute my doc martens were relishing in autumn leaves and the next I'm sitting writing this letter on my bed, wrapped in 4 layers and preparing to buy Christmas presents for the loved ones. 

But lets start at the beginning October. After setting my intentions for the month I decided to start getting up earlier. I did yoga everyday and started going on walks, leaving the house more. I also applied for a job and got a breakthrough in the face of a Christmas elf; that's right pals, I'm going to be an elf this year at a local garden centre. I don't really know why the job attracted me, I think it's a mixture of not wanting to work in retail again and needing something exciting. I fucking hate children but I fucking love the run up to Christmas, it'll be a laugh. And it means I'll be getting out of the house and earning money, but I don't start until next month. This job gave me more motivation to do more things, I've been booking gigs left right and centre and working much harder on my music, but there's only so many places I can play in my tiny vicinity so I've started looking at venues further away, we'll see what November brings. 

October you were much more social than September and I think it was great for me to get out of house. You even saw Em and I on a trip to Newcastle to see Dodie live, which was both a great weekend and a huge surge of inspiration and motivation for me. As I sat in a cafe surrounded by cats and peppermint tea, I felt content and happy and excited for things. I think it's cities, they have that effect on me at the moment. I've found out I need be in a place with more people and I've never thought I would say that. I have a longing for the city, but I know moving to one won't happen anytime soon  (hopefully in the new year) but these little city breaks are great for my brain and that's a real big change, I used to hate the hustle and bustle, but now I relish in it. I say this though but you can't beat a night in a castle with friends and gin and I know I'll miss it when I get to where I want to be, that's life October. What I think I'm trying to say -without going off on another tangent about cities and gin- is that this month has given me time to savour moments and although they went by fast, I'll always remember them. My anxiety is present right now, sometimes a bit more present than usual and I'm keeping an eye on it -don't want to slip into old habits and that- but this month has allowed me to turn my back on it a little bit, more of that please. 

November's going to be busier and probably equally as fast, but I'm ready for it now. I've got my routine back -I think- And apart from the fact I still don't really know what I'm doing, or what I'm working towards, I have more things to be getting on with; like working as an elf and trying not to kill children. But seriously October, you were pretty fun, I just wish you had hung around a bit more. Oh well here's to next year and to settling and knowing not just what to dress up as for Halloween, but a little bit more of an idea about what I want to do with my life and if not that's fine. 

How was your October?
       


2 comments

  1. It's been a while since I've been on your blog, Ciara, and for that I apologize. It's wonderful to read your words and hear what you've been up to again.

    I thought I was alone on hating children but loving Christmas, but it looks like I've found someone to share stories with! I hope you'll enjoy your job as an elf! October was a hive for activity for me. I was part of a theatre production and I was busy with assignments. November is hell month for me, so pray for my survival.

    I hope November treats you well!

    May x
    www.themayden.com

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    1. Aw May you are the sweetest. Yep I don't know how I'm going to cope, hopefully the pretty fairy lights will stop me hitting one! Thank you, I think it'll be good for me to have a purpose again, even if that is to give lil' shits a nice Christmas experience.

      Oh yeah I saw some things on Twitter and insta I hope it all went well! I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine, remember to try and look after yourself as well though x

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