merging with music

I got marble bed sheets and a blue ukulele and it's made me want to blog again. There's probably a problematic correlation there about materialism and aesthetic, but we wont look into that now. 

I probably had the best summer this year. The summer of all summers, a summer of happiness, busyness and laziness in complete and equal measure. A summer of just exactly what I needed, what I deserved. 

This summer however, I fell out with blogging.  

Something had to give. It didn't happen quickly, I tried to hold on to the routine of it all but my heart just wasn't in the words I was writing. I didn't care anymore about writing down the little things publicly because they were my experiences and mine to appreciate. I stopped writing reviews of material things; not because I stopped buying things, but because it bored me to talk about them. My blog was becoming conventional and I hated it. 

It was also becoming a bit more of a public diary, the monday posts were getting more and more personal and I shared some stuff in some dark times I probably shouldn't have. I enjoyed writing them, but they became a bit of a chore every monday night and then I used to worry about who would be reading them and what people would take from them. Could somebody sum up my whole personality from my blog? That's terrifying. 

I haven't stopped writing about the little things, it just doesn't have to be shouted into the void anymore, instead it can be shouted into pages and pages using biro ink, ink that no one else will read apart from me. It gives me the same amount of catharsis I've found. 

This is getting hella deep when it really doesn't have to be because; the main reason why I stopped blogging and the coolest reason ever is that I'm a musician now and I'm working on so many things that take up so much time that I have no time to blog weekly anymore, let alone monthly. I started a Youtube channel that I enjoy making videos for I only have 22 followers, but it's kind of like a music portfolio y'know? And I'm currently putting my heart and soul and all of my money into making an EP! It was on my new years res list and I can't believe I'm finally getting to do it. It's being released on all the things in early January btw and I'm so. fricken. pumped. about. it. 

So what happens now?

Do I just continue with my musical career and leave this blog, one of my main and enjoyable hobbies to die in a dusty corner of the internet?

Nah man, I love it too much. 

Here's the plan:

This blog is turning over a new leaf, to match its owners new career path. 

Basically I want a space to write about music and all the musical things I'm doing. My playlists on here have always been my favourite to write and probably my followers favourite to read i could be wrong there you might hate it all. And I was overwhelmed with the feedback on my last musical post. I just love talking about music, ask any of my friends and they'll tell you that I don't shut up, it controls my life, every aspect of my day, my mood, my creativity. It just makes sense to make this the main premise of this blog. I love talking descriptively about an artists way of making a sound that can get stuck in someones head for weeks. Most of my friends are in the music industry and we love having long debates and chats about albums and eras. 

Also this space will be a hub for all things marblmoon: soundcloud posts, youtube links, gig info and eventually a shop where you can purchase my EP and maybe some merch? possibly? we'll see how easy that one is?

I just think it makes a whole lotta sense, I'm moving in a new direction so shouldn't my blog? 

Shouldn't it make sense to merge the two to make each of them stronger?

Not a lot of musicians do this and I'm hoping it might make my brand stand out more please notice me. But above all else is my happiness and enjoyment around this lil dusty corner. I'm going to stop caring about numbers I don't expect everyone to enjoy this new music focused venture and a schedule and just write when I feel the need. 

I haven't really thought about content too much yet, but just expect some more playlists and album reviews coming at ya soon. Monday's have stopped and this bitch probably wont air her dirty laundry on here anymore. But there might be a few essay sized rants and even some book or makeup reviews sometimes, who knows, I'm sure we'll settle back into the swing of it soon. 

As Janis Joplin once said:

'rock on out' 

bye fn, thanks for listening to my ted talk xo 

   

May | Mother of Swords

You like my book? It was a present from my fellow witch and best friend. I'm finding learning about magick so fascinating, it's such a big topic and this book is definitely helping me get my head around it, although I don't fully believe in everything it says but that's the power of hermenuetics I guess. Let's crack on with May:

(definitions are taken from The Wild Unknown Tarot Guidebook by Kim Krans)

Sharp, Perceptive 

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 You'll often find the Mother of swords putting her sharp perceptions to use as a therapist, doctor or teacher. She's extremely experienced and knowledgeable in her field. Some think of her as all-seeing. This card can sometimes represent a woman going through a difficult time. She may be recently widowed or divorced, and usually without children. During this time, there's potential for her criticism to soar. 

May_____________________________________________________________________________

I was a bit confused with the possible link between the card for this month and the situations that occurred. But after some more research I think I've found the it.. or maybe I'm just trying to find a tenuous link to something that doesn't make sense, I don't know. But I do believe that the universe allowed me to test my perception this month. The Mother/Queen of swords is all about situations where you have to be forceful and honest and this month I decided to take a  look into my career path and think seriously about the kind of musician I want to be. This month made me realise that the path I need to be on will take a lot of stubbornness and  a lot of honesty with myself, so I guess that's where the card came in. The rest of the month was pretty magical, I got to spend time with a lot of people that are special to me and of course, I celebrated my Birthday in true Taurus fashion; I took a whole week to dance and celebrate me ageing. 

Everything feels great right now and compared to last year, I feel so grounded and so ready to focus on the things that I truly love in the world and channel all of my energy and magick into that. 

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How was your May?

           

April | Mother of Pentacles

(definitions are taken from The Wild Unknown Tarot Guidebook by Kim Krans)

Domestic, Loving, Patient 

⛤

The Mother of Pentacles excels in the home. She knows exactly what to do while raising a family and tending to the tasks of daily life. There's a potential for her identity to become wrapped entirely around her children and home, which leaves her needy and attached. This is the cause of most of her turmoil. She often has qualities of a healer and is very connected to nature. 

April_____________________________________________________________________________

Well, I got a flat didn't I?! So this month has been pretty domestic. I also received some very sad news this month and I've been taking a lot of time on my own, processing it. Family is incredibly important to me and I found out especially this month that blood relation means nothing and you can find family in anyone. For the most part of the month I've just been settling in and getting used to my new surroundings, I didn't leave the house for the first week and my friends did have to drag me, kicking and screaming to the shops! I found myself thinking I was in an air bnb and therefore productivity and motivation went straight out of the window but that's only normal, it's definitely getting better now though, hense why I'm writing and making videos again. It just feels so, so nice to have my place and my own space and now I'm fully settled in, I'm so excited for what May and spring has to bring rhymes. Once again the cards we're right. We're four months in and they've been pretty close so far spooky. This experiment is so interesting and I'm so pleased it's going well.

_________________________________________________________________________________

How was your April?

March | Five of Wands

So sorry this is so late but I guess the stars wait for no man:

(definitions are taken from The Wild Unknown Tarot Guidebook by Kim Krans)

Five of Wands_____________________________________________________________________________________

scattered, lack of focus, lost

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The five of wands is a card of conflict. You may ind yourself scattered, distracted, tending to everything and nothing. Since wands deal with our dreams and goals, it usually means this conflict resides within. Your energy moves outward in many directions, yet you are suffering inside. Take this card as a warning: find ways to bring calm and focus to your mind, or these troubles will only increase. 

March____________________________________________________________________________________________

I know March feels pretty faraway now, but I can still remember how I felt and it was very, very similar to the situations described in the card. I spent most of March umming and aarring about a lot of situations. The main one was whether or not to save up all summer for moving further away and remain living at home, or move to my local city for the summer and live locally for a few more months. I can remember Em and I having 3 hour phone calls contemplating the positives and the negatives to moving. So yeah I would say there was a lot of conflict in my lil brain. I used music to calm me and keep me focused and that really helped and I had many, many gigs; cementing the fact that I want to persue this as a career for a while anyway. So that was a pretty grounding end to the month. I'm now living in my own flat and I'm so glad I sorted out the conflict and my scattered thoughts. because now I'm happier than ever. Now onto April in my beautiful new flat with my two favourite people and hopefully some sunshine! Goodbye scattered brain, at least I kind of know what I'm doing now. 

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How was your March?

February | Two of Pentacles

Let's see what the stars had planned for February, compared to what actually happened shall we:

(definitions are taken from The Wild Unknown Tarot Guidebook by Kim Krans)

Two of Pentacles___________________________________________________________________

Balance, Change 

⛤

The two of pentacles signifies inevitable change. Since the pentacles suit relates to earthly possession, this usually means a new job or financial situation or a move. Even if you fear this change, it needs to happen and might even be fun. Face it with the grace of a newly formed butterfly... a world of possibilities balanced upon your delicate wings.  

February_________________________________________________________________________

So this month has been very job focused. I started my new job in late January and I've been spending this month settling in and also trying to balance it with socialisation and music. Turns out playing music until 4am and having to work at 9am just doesn't really work. But I've found that out now and I'm really enjoying my job and the work/life balance that this month has allowed me to experiment with. Regarding change; a lot has happened, that is quite personal to me and imma keep it that way for now, but I am so happy at the moment and sure, why not, I feel like a butterfly, of some sorts. I do feel like I can do anything right now or go anywhere and that's a really cool feeling to have and February has definitely cemented that. So once again, the cards were right! I already have an idea of what March will bring and I'm hypedddd.
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 How was your February?

January | Three of Cups

I have always been low-key fascinated by the art of the tarot. I don't know if it's magic or not and as a woman who studied a mostly-science-based course at uni, I tend to be a bit of a sceptic. But since last summer, my spiritual self has really been coming out of the woodwork and I have learned to love her. This Christmas my best friend and boo Emily bought me a set of tarots and I immediately fell in love with them. The artwork is beautiful and so, so detailed and after reading the book that came with it, I understand now; that tarots do not predict the future, it's so much more complex than that. They guide you through it, they give you the tools in your mind to see an outcome. This is something I know very well in the psychology field, something called hermanuetics - the art of interpretation. The tarots can be anything you want them to be, they don't predict the outcome, they tell you everything that is already there, already under your nose the whole time, you were just too busy to see it. 

On new years eve I decided to conduct a yearly spread. This is essentially choosing thirteen cards and placing them in a circle, each card represents each month and the thirteenth represents the all round theme of the year and so on and so forth. As a bit of fun and I thought it would make for unusual blog content, I am going to sum up my month using the tarots that were predicted and compare them to my current life during that month. I want to see if there was a speck of truth there and how my year will pan out as a whole according to this prediction. Will this reading influence me into making decisions? Will it motivate me into taking new opportunities or not depending on the reading? I would show you the yearly circle beforehand but I feel like tarots are a very personal emotional thing; laying your future out for the world to see like that, so we're going to do it one month at a time. Cool, let's start with January:

(All of these definitions are taken from The Wild Unknown Tarot Guidebook by Kim Krans)

Three of Cups_____________________________________________________________________

Friendship, Joy, Bounty

The three of cups is a lovely card. It forsees you in the company of amazing friends, creating memories together that you'll forever hold dear. These are not any ol' friends; they are people with whom you feel a rare connection. With them you feel truly 'yourself'. Enjoy each minute of their company. This card can also indicate an upcoming celebration. Love abounds!

January__________________________________________________________________________

My January has been incredibly social. The card was true, I met my current squad and I've been having an amazing time hanging out with them all. We're mostly all musicians so it's been amazing to get to know people with the same like-mindedness and interests as me. We're all very grounded although some of us are currently being catapulted to success right now! I'm just so happy that my time at home has meant finding this amazing place with these amazing people, playing amazing songs and drinking amazing gin. I couldn't have asked for a better January. A month that I thought was going to be pretty difficult turned itself around completely and I am in such a good place right now. Exciting things are happening with my music and I'm just really hyped for the future and being able to share it with these amazing people means the world to me, ew; but no really I mean it. 

_________________________________________________________________________________

I hope you like this new concept I'm trying out. 

How was your January?

2018 | Let's Call Them Intentions & Let's Keep Them Chill

So here we are again. The time of year where I try so desperately not to fall into the 'new year new me' mindset and end up failing and setting goals anyway, I've even decided to start a bullet journal this year; I mean I've really out-done myself. The reason I don't like this new year pressure to change everything about myself is mainly societal. We get forced into thinking that January is the only month for radical change, the-diet-starts-tomorrow mentality actually works for once and everyone feels content with their newfound selves until February comes round the corner. But I'm sick of shaking it off, I'm joining this bandwagon with full force because hey; if it brightens up my January and makes me a better person that's fine with me. 

2017 was a difficult year, for many reasons that I won't go on about anymore on here and it's basically been a tough year for the world as a whole. It's fair to say I was pretty pleased to see the back of it. To mark this occasion I've been focusing on what I want to do this year and what I want to achieve. Although I am a very driven person, I've decided to keep my intentions quite realistic and basically quite chill. I don't like the word goals, for reasons I've already explained and the word intentions just sounds a bit lighter and slightly spiritual, which I'm trying to be a bit more this year. I've always been interested in star signs and chakras but my psychologically trained brain was always a little sceptical. But I have found great comfort in discovering a more spiritual body recently, especially the relationship between my brain and the phases of the moon and I'm excited about this journey; with some help from my new set of tarot cards of course.

Last year I set some kind-of last minute intentions whilst writing the blog post and I did surprisingly well at all of them:

Do More Yoga ____________________________________________________________________

Yep, I did just that, even whilst writing my dissertation I still found time for a bit of stretching now and again. I'm definitely going to carry this on into 2018 and hopefully soon my long tree limbs will let me touch my toes.

Worry in a Week__________________________________________________________________

I became a boss at this! After reading through my CBT work books and talking to my current therapist about it, I cracked it and it has really helped with my anxiety. Of course I still worry, I have a neurotic personality (hooray for INFJ's), but my restless thoughts have calmed down a whole bunch and I think it's because of practising this mantra. I would recommend this to any lil' worrier out there to try and practice this way of thinking this year!

333______________________________________________________________________________

I can confirm that I sorted my wardrobe out and passed this with flying colours! I think I only still have about 40 items in my wardrobe and almost all of them are thrifted from charity shops, depop or vintage stores. I'm really pleased with how ethical my fashion choices have been this year and apart from some Joni jeans at the end of the year that were desperately needed and some online underwear orders, I've been minimalist and ethical all year round, pat on the back to me I guess. And of course I will be carrying this on into 2018, maybe without the 33 item restriction though, if I see a jumper for 50p in sally-army, I'm gonna' buy it eh.


I'm all kinds of excited about this year and whatever's in store I feel more equipped now and ready to take whatever comes my way. Let's talk pretentious intentions this year shall we:

Release an EP_____________________________________________________________________

I want to focus ultra hard on music this year. I spent a lot of 2017 writing and that means I have a lot of songs ready to be recorded and released, only problem is I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'm just going to do as many gigs as I can and hopefully get somewhere with that. I think after 3 years of intense academia, I just want to be creative for a while, do this for me, no one else and see how far it gets me.

Move Out_________________________________________________________________________

I've been living in my parents house now for about 6 months and although they are wonderful, I need my own space and I need to see the world. We have plans, we just need to put them into motion and hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be settled in a new place to call home.

Constantly Grow __________________________________________________________________

If last year taught me anything it's that we should all still be growing. My favourite quote of 2017 was 'you can't grow when you're comfortable' and that's so true. I thought I had slightly self-actualised during 2016, ermmm no Ciara, you've got very far to go and that's exciting!


Become More Educated_____________________________________________________________

I'm an academic and strive for knowledge. But since finishing Uni I've found myself become a little lazier when it comes to things going on in the world. I want to be as socially and politically aware as I can. And that means reading books, articles, watching more Ted talks, podcasts etc. Basically consuming anything knowledgeable and interesting to me and not just to win a debate in a pub. And here's an extra one; I want to be able to remain calm during debates. I am fully aware that I live in a liberal bubble and when I am faced with people with different mindsets, I tend to shut out what they're saying, not in a rude way, I just go really quiet and keep my views to myself. I know that when it's angry, my brain forgets words and tends to see red. I want to get to a point where I can articulate my argument and educate people, whilst also listening to their views calmly.

I think that's all I can think of. Although this year might be quite stressful, I'm hoping to achieve a lot and still have time to chill, write on this blog and maybe travel a bit? We'll see. Here's to a chill 2018 I guess, something that we should all do more often. 

Do you have any pretentious intentions?

  

Dear September & October

I'm sorry I haven't written sooner, I try to stay on top of these letters, but I've been trying to work out what to say and gather my thoughts. Let's start with September, normally a time for change and settling into routine but for me this year was different and it took me longer to settle than I thought. 

September, you were slow and tiring. I returned from a different country, a completely different culture and because of this change I just hid away and relished in my home comforts. Sicily was amazing but I am such a homebody at heart. Everyone else was heading off to Uni and jobs etc. And I was to remain in the bedroom I grew up in. This meant a lot of contemplation, a lot of thoughts, a lot of analysing the things I had found out about myself in Sicily; some good, some bad. It was quite nice actually, to live quietly for a bit after a mad few months. There was no routine though, I couldn't seem to stick to anything, I was waking up at 2 and going to sleep at 5, wasn't too great. There were wonderful parts of September though, the weather was gorgeous and I played some lovely gigs close to home. 

September you made me realise I wasn't alone and that there are soo many other people my age, older and younger that have no idea what they're doing with their lives. I'm so, so lucky to be in the same boat as some of my best friends, so we can share our feelings and empathise our misplacement in the world with each other. Complain about adults telling us we need to 'get a move on' and realise that we have bags of time and that we're going to be okay.My month of contemplation also allowed me to focus a bit more on music and I wrote some songs that I am pretty proud of. Basically you were calm and slow September and without mentioning the increasing bouts of anxiety that I was trying to ignore, you were steady although I didn't feel it and that's all I needed. 

 October, you came a long with cold nights and brown leaves and the need for chai lattes again. You have always been my favourite month, so I knew this year I was going to make it count. I half succeeded. I established a routine so I could feel normal again, but October; you went by in a flash, why do you always do that?! One minute my doc martens were relishing in autumn leaves and the next I'm sitting writing this letter on my bed, wrapped in 4 layers and preparing to buy Christmas presents for the loved ones. 

But lets start at the beginning October. After setting my intentions for the month I decided to start getting up earlier. I did yoga everyday and started going on walks, leaving the house more. I also applied for a job and got a breakthrough in the face of a Christmas elf; that's right pals, I'm going to be an elf this year at a local garden centre. I don't really know why the job attracted me, I think it's a mixture of not wanting to work in retail again and needing something exciting. I fucking hate children but I fucking love the run up to Christmas, it'll be a laugh. And it means I'll be getting out of the house and earning money, but I don't start until next month. This job gave me more motivation to do more things, I've been booking gigs left right and centre and working much harder on my music, but there's only so many places I can play in my tiny vicinity so I've started looking at venues further away, we'll see what November brings. 

October you were much more social than September and I think it was great for me to get out of house. You even saw Em and I on a trip to Newcastle to see Dodie live, which was both a great weekend and a huge surge of inspiration and motivation for me. As I sat in a cafe surrounded by cats and peppermint tea, I felt content and happy and excited for things. I think it's cities, they have that effect on me at the moment. I've found out I need be in a place with more people and I've never thought I would say that. I have a longing for the city, but I know moving to one won't happen anytime soon  (hopefully in the new year) but these little city breaks are great for my brain and that's a real big change, I used to hate the hustle and bustle, but now I relish in it. I say this though but you can't beat a night in a castle with friends and gin and I know I'll miss it when I get to where I want to be, that's life October. What I think I'm trying to say -without going off on another tangent about cities and gin- is that this month has given me time to savour moments and although they went by fast, I'll always remember them. My anxiety is present right now, sometimes a bit more present than usual and I'm keeping an eye on it -don't want to slip into old habits and that- but this month has allowed me to turn my back on it a little bit, more of that please. 

November's going to be busier and probably equally as fast, but I'm ready for it now. I've got my routine back -I think- And apart from the fact I still don't really know what I'm doing, or what I'm working towards, I have more things to be getting on with; like working as an elf and trying not to kill children. But seriously October, you were pretty fun, I just wish you had hung around a bit more. Oh well here's to next year and to settling and knowing not just what to dress up as for Halloween, but a little bit more of an idea about what I want to do with my life and if not that's fine. 

How was your October?

       

I Am (not) My Hair

I am a red head. If you have eyes it will probably be the first thing you notice about my appearance. All my life people have been drawn to my hair, I'm used to it being a topic of conversation. What I'm not used to, is it defining me in every way possible.

Don't get me wrong I adore my hair, although it can be crazy and uncouth most days, I do love the colour and even the thickness. But I'm in need of a huge change, this year has been full of them and my hair has been with me for every single one, but it's time to part ways. I've grown frustrated with it, constantly being there, being in my eyes, getting stuck in car doors, taking up a whole bottle of shampoo to get it clean. These things can be gruelling, not to mention it takes me around 2 hours to wash and maintain it each week! So, tomorrow afternoon I am cutting off 17 inches of hair and I can't. friggin'. wait. 

I haven't told a lot of people this news yet because I know what the reaction will be. Even my family members and close friends have expressed their disdain on this imminent snip. In the nicest way possible; I'm so sick of my hair being my identity. I have a degree, I can sing, I've grown so much as a person but still I am only recognised by superficiality through the dead follicles on my head. It was getting me down and I was slowly growing to resent it, so it has to go, for a bit anyway. 

Especially after visiting Sicily. I think I was the only red-head on that whole Island, which caused a lot of attention. People would comment on my hair constantly and on three separate occasions I was even stopped by tourists and locals for a photo, that's insane behaviour to me and any other red headed British person I can imagine. 

Being 'ginger' or a red head gives you a typecast. People always see red-heads as both sexually driven and angry. I've also had; scornful, bossy, stubborn, untrustworthy, crazy and more. I've also heard all of the red-head chat up lines and if one more person compares me to Merida from Brave, I swear I will become all of those things above. Red headed women in history are powerful, we're also a minority, a dying breed and I love my pale skin and freckles and everything that comes with being red-headed, that will never change. I'm just hoping the lack of length will give it less attention. 

I have never dyed my hair, only slightly bleached the tips in the 'ombre' phase. People are constantly telling me to NEVER dye it, which would you believe it; makes me want to dye it more. When it's cut I am thinking of experimenting a little bit with apricot shades and maybe even a ballyage I don't know. I just know that when it is cut off I will feel so liberated. 

Don't get me wrong I'm pretty scared about cutting it off and quite emotional. I always vowed I would never cut it again after a disastrously short-bob incident in year 9, but things change, people change. This hair length now has grown a long with me for the last 5 years, it has been vomited on during freshers week (ew), it has been pulled into many a plait and then a hair net when I was a waitress, it has been straightened, curled, flattened, scrunched into a bun for multiple yoga classes, it had a fringe at one point, it got stuck in a bus window once and it has felt like a form of protection for me for many years, something to hide behind, something to focus on. I can even take lengths of my hair and describe where I was in life when it was 'this' long and that's kind of comforting. But I don't need it anymore. As I keep saying, I've grown and I need change, I big change, I want to see a visual reflection of the huge change that happened this year. And as always the queen of metaphors has decided to reflect on this time with a haircut. 

  

I'm excited for this change, I'm probably going to cry, but I know it's what I want. It'll be so weird not having to maintain and run a straightener through it everyday, but I think I'll actually be able to do more with it. It'll give me a new lease of life, probably something I needed a few months ago but I felt I wasn't ready. I'm a bit worried about people's reactions but I'm also working on not giving a shit as well. It'll be nice not being defined by this mass of craziness on my head, maybe my personality will become a talking point on dates, you never know.

Don't worry, I'm not wasting this Mufasa mane. I'm donating it to The Little Princess Trust, to make wigs for children going through cancer treatment and other illnesses that cause hair-loss. I feel really passionate about it, especially when I heard that there is a shortage of red headed wigs, I've got to support my ginger fam' don't I! If you want to donate to my JustGiving page I will link it here.

And here's to mufasa manes and not being defined by them anymore and also to the Emma Stone-style-La La Land bob I will be sporting as of tomorrow. 

A Re-Introduction

Well, hello pals! It's been a long time and I don't really know why. I've had a pretty hard year as years go and also a pretty long summer. I spent some time alone, with myself and my thoughts and after some very stereotypical 'soul searching' in Sicily, I now feel ready to take on the world again. 

This blog has been a little abandoned recently and there are two reasons for this. The first being that at the moment I'm putting all my energy into my music (I think that's the most wanky thing I've ever said) I'm trying really hard to make something of it, after so many months of reading and writing and repressing my creativity, it sprung back with full force and I have been non-stop song writing and recording and improving. So hopefully exciting things are on the way, maybe.. possibly. 

The second reason is that my blog is currently 'under construction'. That's right, I'm making a completely new space on the internet, which is more personalised and professional. I'm so, so excited about it. But, being a perfectionist these things take time and I miss writing so much I've decided to just stick with this space for now, but just know there will be a new blog launch hopefully coming soon, exciting! And did I mention it's being created by one of the most talented people I know, my best friend Emily, I can't wait to have a blog that represents me and my new outlook on life (ew) and also for my writing to be paired with such an amazing and talented illustration style. 

But for now, I'm just going to keep it chill on here. Stick to the same style and write about everything that comes into my head. This is good I've missed this and I've missed being part of the blogging community, can't wait to find my feet again. 

I was thinking about doing Blogtober but, like everything in my life right now, I just want to keep it chill, so maybe there will be a post everyday. But maybe there wont and that's okay, I'm just happy I'm typing on my clicky clacky keyboard again!

Otiose

I have both recently finished Uni and quit my job and now I am finding many a day where I have nothing to do. No deadlines or things I have to get done unless there are consequences, nothing to complete daily; not to be dramatic but, nothing to get up for in the morning to be honest. When I was busy all I wanted to do was have nothing to do, but now I don't, I feel lost and no matter how many projects I have ladened myself with this feeling of otiosity is not going away. I'm sure many people feel like this at the moment seems as most Uni courses have now finished and it's coming to the end of school time, so I know I am not alone and that's why I have decided to write a melodramatic, long and probably waffly post about it. 

Un-productivity is my vice, if I don't make or do something everyday I feel like shit, literally. Many people feel drained from being productive but I have found if I don't do anything all day I will feel as low in energy as someone who has been at work all day, why am I like this?! Don't get me wrong, for the first 2 weeks of leaving Uni and work I felt brilliant, I wrote songs, caught up on my fave Tv shows, ate endless amounts of granola and just relaxed for the first time in ages. Now I'm living in Northampton with a house full of people that have just finished Uni and I have had so much fun relishing in the fact we don't have to do anything for a while. But it's during the day when everyone's busy with their own projects and things when I start to feel at a loss. I keep thinking about all the things I should be doing, but then when I try and think about them there's nothing urgent.

I realise that this is the perfect opportunity to start new projects and focus on the things I love and I am, but I've found that that doesn't fill up a whole day. I realise that this is quite negative and I feel like I'm complaining, but it's just strange and I'm currently struggling to acclimatise to this new lifestyle. I'm keeping myself as busy as I can and I'm enjoying myself, I have some things I'm working on and I'm starting to build up a routine. I have definitely realised that I find my worth in my productivity and I don't think that's a good thing for one minute. Especially when I made these decisions so I could relax a bit more, I'm going to work on it. 

I think the only way to go about this un-productivity is to do things that you absolutely love that make you feel productive in the long run. Take up a hobby or a project you didn't have time for when you were working. Watch that 13 season TV show you didn't have time to immerse yourself in.Start thinking about things you could do now to help you get to where you want to be this time next year. It's simple really and you might even start to enjoy this time to yourself, time to think, time to indulge. It's just all about acclimatising and establishing a more relaxed routine, but a routine non the less. 

I think I've just solved my own problem. This was one of those therapeutic style stream-of-consciousness posts and I think it's done its job. I need to learn to relish in this relaxation, but when I do need to do something productive, I can do it for me and no-one else. That's why I think creating a blog if you haven't already is perfect for people in the same position as me. Because you are doing something productive, you are writing, you are improving your skills but you're enjoying every minute of it. Almost 3 years a go this month I set up this blog for the same reasons and I must say it helped so much with my productivity levels. But do it for you and if you want to watch that TV show, you watch it and if you want to take a 5 hour nap during the day because you have nothing else to do, you do that; I wouldn't recommend feeling like you've been run over for the rest of the day though. What I'm trying to say is there's always something to do, find it and if you enjoy it, keep doing it. New projects are exciting and good for productivity levels, in the words of Shia La Beouf with a little bit of Northern on top; 'just do it eh' or not it's completely up to you now. 

I would love to know if any of you are feeling the same and what you're doing to combat it. Do you thrive on productivity like myself or are you happy enough with relaxing? Is Otiosity a problem for you too or do you relish in it?

Dear May

As I'm writing this I am currently residing in a 6 bedroom house in Northampton and I haven't felt this happy in a very long time; but you're going have to wait for the reasons why because it is now June. And I know I am late to this but a lot happened and May took its tole so I'm currently trying to kick back and relax for a change and I'm enjoying it so much. 

May you were stressful. You also marked the end to both my university years and the year I have had living in my tiny town house in Carlisle. For the rest of the world, you weren't great and you brought about a lot of anxiety, grief and change, why did you have to do that? I know the universe likes to keep us on our toes but this is ridiculous and cruel, please stop. 

When you began I decided, last minute to give myself a challenge. I wanted to write a blogpost everyday. I must have been feeling particularly creatively stifled and I wanted to reopen something. I don't really understand why I did this because I was absolutely sick of writing after my dissertation, but something must have told me to do it, damn universe. I did it though didn't I? And really enjoyed it as well, I love the direction my blog is going in at the moment and I feel like I've really got something going here on this slice of internet I have, I'm even thinking about buying my domain name and being a proper blogger, we'll have to see. All in all there's some very exciting things happening with my creativity right now and I think that's down to you May, so thank you, thank you for driving me to do things when I didn't think I had anything left after my dissertation. I thought I was defeated, a voiceless husk with nothing left to project, but you proved me wrong. 

You also brought a long my birthday, I nearly forgot. I knew it was going to be strange this year, a lot has changed and I'm still getting used to that everyday, so when my birthday came around I was kind of dreading it. But it turned out to be a normal day, I went to work which I was pleased about because I really didn't want to be on my own and then in the evening I had my annual Eurovision night and we drank and ate pizza and I felt genuinely okay. About as okay I could be on that day and everyone accepted that, there were no expectations about how happy I should be and people just left me to my own devices, I love my friends. Despite everything, thank you for another great birthday May it means a lot!

I completed my last assignment and therefor I have now finished Uni, I am no longer a student, what? I had to take another extension and therefor, almost everyone else finished Uni before me. Their relief filled me with determination to get it done and guess what I did and now I feel that relief too. I'm finishing on a high 2:1 and I have never been more proud of myself. That's probably the word for this month actually; pride. I haven't felt myself for a very long time and I've been rather insecure in my work and my writing and everything about me really, but knowing I can complete a very difficult, very academic Uni course just makes me so proud of myself. Despite all the shit I did it, where's my gold medal? 

It's not all been sunshine and rainbows though has it May? The world is a scary place and the events on the 22nd reinforced that for everyone. Britain came to a stand still as people mourned the mindless attacks in Manchester and then London. It's hard to put into words how I feel about the whole thing, it just hit home because myself and a lot of my friends have been to that arena multiple times and having experienced the same amount of excitement and belonging and enjoyment from a gig, especially when you're a teenager. And having that taken away from you, I just can't comprehend that, I just can't. The world is a scary place and we have to stick together, we can't let them win. Music will never be used for hate and violence, we need to carry on and that is what we will do. I just hope there are brighter, less terrifying things around the corner.

May you've been productive, the sun could have shined more but you've got time to change that. Be nice to us please, we don't deserve all this and I am so glad that I got through you mostly unscathed. There are a lot of exciting things coming up and I can't wait to live through them with my new sense of pride and love that you brought a long. Just keep giving it to everyone else okay?

How was your May?

Finishing Uni

Today I handed in my last assignment and delivered my last presentation and I don't know how to feel. I'm feeling a mixture of nostalgia and relief. Uni was a big part of life and although at some points I hated it and didn't think I would get through it, I did and I learned a lot. 

Now I'm not talking about the masses of psychological theories and conditions I can list off by heart (although they are useful for a party trick) I'm talking life lessons here. My uni course taught me how to manage my time efficiently and become a much more organised person. It taught me not to leave things to the last minute, just in life in general. And the biggest thing it has taught me is to be sceptical of EVERYTHING, don't take anything at face value; be that newspaper articles, Google searches or fun facts that people tell you at parties, it's all LIES! But seriously, this course has told me to think critically and now when I read a newspaper or an article online, instead of believing it to be true, I educate myself and look for other sources. This I think is a very important life lesson and something that everyone should practice, especially for those pesky Facebook 'news' articles. It comes in very handy to wind up your friend who reads the Daily Mail and believes everything they say to be true, newsflash; it's not. 

As well as life lessons uni has caused me to think about my career and what I want out of life and right now I want a break from academia (thanks uni). I'm drained and if I write one more APA reference I swear I will go mad! This is why I've decided to take a gap year to just have a rest. I don't care if some individuals have called me 'lazy' and 'a typical millennial', uni is tiring and I need time away from things. Uni isn't for everyone, when people say that it's honestly very true. Many people I know dropped out in second or third year and you can find your own path in life without going to uni I'm sure. I don't like how schools focus so highly on going to uni and favourit-ise the kids that are choosing to go, well that's how it worked with my school anyway. 

So I have a psychology degree, whaaaaaat?! I did it and although I feel relieved, I feel apprehensive about the future. Uni was my safety blanket and now that's gone; along with my NUS card and my student identity, what am I meant to call myself in social situations? Or at the cinema?! Oh no! Full priced everything here we come! And although I know I will be  student again when I eventually go and do my Masters, I'm going to miss that form of identity and belonging and solidarity. It's time to be unleashed into the big bad world now and that's terrifying. Apart from my shitty gap year where I created this blog, I've always been in education. I'm going to have to make my own routine and take up another new project to fill time, I like to be busy, oh no. 

So that's it, the book is closed, literally; I never have to write another reference again (possibly). It's scary but it's exciting and I can now fully relax and get excited for summer and new projects. I can focus on this blog more and have actual free time and do more gigs. Although it's scary it's going to be great and I'm going to enjoy the ride regardless. 

Sorry for the slight existential crisis in the middle there. If you've left uni I'd love to know what you're doing with your spare time?

                                             

I Don't Know About You

Can we firstly just appreciate this wonderful card my boo Emily made for me, it's me and her on the moon, it's safe to say I cried.

So today I turn 22 and everything feels different. Obviously I knew this year would be different because there's been a huge shift in my life that I can't deny or ignore, but I feel like there's something else going on. I feel like I have changed so much in one year. I don't even recognise myself in photographs, there's something else behind my eyes, maybe it's the bags that have gradually grown underneath mine that make the difference. Maybe it's because I felt more in control back then. Last year I thought I was a bit lost but nothing compares to how I feel this year. Everything is completely up in the air. For the first time in my life I don't have a plan past September, that would have scared me last year, it would have terrified me, I would have completely shut down. But now I feel kind of excited, don't get me wrong I spent months feeling scared and just wanting to shut myself in my house and never leave. But my new frame of mind has turned my situation into something exhilarating and exciting, I could literally be anywhere next year, that's exciting. 

I feel older. I don't normally like Birthdays but this year I feel like I need to celebrate how far I've come. I'm having a house party with my friends and I'm so glad we're doing something because I didn't want to be alone. I'm also going to have a drink and see how it goes, haven't drank since January. Two years ago I was spiked in a nightclub and my whole relationship with going out and alcohol changed and that all happened on my Birthday. For the first time I felt vulnerable and not just giddy and happy and that vulnerability when I drank never went away. I just don't feel the need to be drunk anymore, but that said I will have some wine, maybe I'll hate it, maybe it'll taste like vinegar we'll just have to see. 

22 ey, I can't get over it and how different I feel. Birthdays never used to matter, it was just another day and it still is just another day. Today I went to work and now I'm sat in bed but everything feels different. I feel like how I felt when I turned 18, like everything was infront of me. Little did I know that there was going to be so much more infront of me now I'm a bit older. It's a mixture of emotions, mostly excitement, I'll probably cry tonight but that's okay It's my party and I'll cry if I want to after all. 

I'm sorry, I don't know what this post is. I'm feeling emotional and reminiscent, I guess it's a cathartic stream of consciousness, I'm now going to drink a little bit of wine and celebrate the fact I am one step closer to my inevitable end (wow), why do we even celebrate that? Birthdays are weird. Bye. 

                                              

 

Only Child Syndrome

Being an only child all my life, I have found that there is this weird stigma around it. People think I am either 1) Really spoiled and bratty or 2) Really lonely. I am here to tell you that this is not the case. 

When I was younger all I wanted was a sibling, an older brother to be exact. But I have come to the reality that this will not happen and I'm okay with it, in fact I prefer it. These assumptions that are passed around about only childhood fascinate me because they are always from someone with siblings in close proximity. Someone who has spent most of their life sharing things and the spotlight with another, that doesn't make them who they are today though. But when I tell people I'm an only child, they often assume that I am going to be terrible at sharing things and working in a team. The latter was correct for a long time, because I was so used to be being on my own; throw me in a team situation and I didn't know what to do, but that's the thing about only children. Like other 'normal' children we learn and after being in school for a multitude of my life I became a bit of a social butterfly and now prefer to work in a team than on my own most of the time. 

I think you get the best of both worlds being an only child, especially if you're introverted. If your childhood was anything like mine I had time to myself during the week and then I had friends who would come and visit their parents or grandparents at the weekend near my house. That's when we would play and where I could get my socialising done and then, by Monday I was back to my own company and I actually preferred it like that. Being an ambivert/mostly introvert I think if I had stimulus from others constantly I wouldn't have been as happy. Being an only child also gives you the opportunity to become incredibly imaginative. I would spend hours on my own making up stories and creating things and I mean hours. And I think I can now say that that's the reason I'm such a creative person now, because I would literally spend all of my time either outside up a tree drawing or playing with my animal hospital and creating role plays; in a dystopian universe where the animals operate on the humans (edgy). 

The science and psychology behind only childhood is fascinating as well. Scientists in the 50's found that only children had a harder time to adjust to a school setting (well no shit) and are proven to mature faster than other children. Meaning that the term 'spoiled brat' in most cases is completely un-true. One recent study found the negative traits of only children to be true in China stating that 'those who grew up as only children are found to be less trusting, less trustworthy, less likely to take risks, and less competitive than if they had had siblings. They are also less optimistic, less conscientious, and more prone to neuroticism' O oh. But don't worry if you're an only child all is not lost. This is a reflection of results from a very small study in China and it is actually quite dangerous to publish it like this because the researcher is applying it to all only children. Like anything being an only child is subjective and it's more about how you are raised than how many siblings you have. But it is interesting to know there have been multiple studies on this topic and it still continues to be a subject of interest in millennial only children especially, like this horrendous article. 

Don't get me wrong there are downsides to being an only child; there's the complete focus and attention on you as an individual, Christmas is a particularly strange time of year for me seems as I'm the youngest in my families generation. Also I was what you call a 'cotton wool child' this was due to personal reasons about my parents being over protective but I now project that cotton wool onto many aspects of my life. Although it has taught me to be very safety conscious and risk aware, it still hinders my life and probably didn't help my anxiety when growing up. Also there were plenty of times in my childhood where I felt lonely, like really lonely. I lived in the middle of no-where, my parents worked full time and I only saw children my age at the weekends, it wasn't too fun, but as I said before I created my own fun and I am better for it. 

I think the thing about being an only child is that if you've got an endless imagination and an awareness of the fact that it is just you and this attention and focus is a positive thing, you'll be just fine. And I know in my case I have a better relationship with my parents because of it. It also teaches you to be patient and I do fully agree with the studies that say we mature faster . We're just little imaginative hippy children living in trees and talking to ourselves, we have no time for those negative sibling vibes!

I would love to know if you grew up as an only child or with siblings and whether you believe it has impacted your personality at all. 

Has being an only child made you more mature and independent?