A Year Without The Pill

So the end of this month marks a year and a half of me not taking the contraceptive pill Rigevidon. And my, my it's been a journey! A mostly positive one, I am now completely without chemicals in my body managing my hormones and it feels amazing to say that, so lets talk symptoms I have noticed, mood change, periods and attitudes towards contraception and my vagina in general. 

At the end of January last year, I decided to stop taking my Rigevidon after relying on it for contraception and period pain control for 6 years. There were a lot of reasons why; my long term relationship at the time ended, I had been doing a lot of research into the contraceptive pill and the long-term effects it had on the body and the main one that scared me the most; I was relying on it so much for my mental health. I was essentially using my contraception as anxiety medication. So after forgetting to take it and having a panic attack about the fact I didn't have it with me to control my panic attacks, I knew I had to come off Rigevidon. 

After doing some more, further research and a few rather scary hospital appointments too with ovary pain, my GP, therapist and I decided it was the right thing to do. Rigevidon has been in the press recently for all sorts of scary things and while some of them are over-dramatised and fear mongering, it has been proved that it can be harmful for you to remain on the combined pill for more than 5 years. This is to do with the added hormones of oestrogen and pro-oestrogen to balance out the timing of your periods, also the combined pill raises your chance of getting some types of blood clots and cancers. I also want to state that I am not fully 'anti pill' I've had an okay experience with it and I know people where the pill has worked for them brilliantly and they're very happy with their decision to be on it. All I'll say is before making the decision to start the pill or even come off it, do at least a week's worth of research, read all the things and consult your doctor before making both decisions.

 I  just felt like I didn't want chemical hormones to control my body and brain anymore, I hadn't had any experience being a fully grown adult with no extra hormones being pumped into my body and that's a terrifying thought for me, so I said no more and had my first natural period in 6 years! So let's start there:

Periods___________________________________________________________________________

After coming off Rigevidon, it took around 2 months for my first proper period to arrive. I was spotting for a long time but nothing more than that. When it eventually arrived I noticed quite an increase in pain, my ovaries were crippling me and I had to just go to bed for the first few months when it struck. I also developed the most awful boughts of pms that I'm still struggling with now. I tend to get irrationally angry and upset about the smallest things and my craving for chocolate and sweet things increase un-naturally for me, I'll chat more about PMS when we reach the mood section because it has been a ride. 

The periods themselves last for a shorter amount of time than they did with the pill. Normally heavy to medium bleeding for 3 days. Two things other than coming off the pill have made my life better; the first is my moon cup, I adore it! It's so, so comfortable once it's in and it's so nice to not be able to think about changing pads and tampons throughout the day. It's also so much better for the environment, I just adore it and it has allowed me to become a lot more confident. I can still wear nice underwear when I'm bleeding! The second thing is the app Clue, I've spoken about it on here before, but after having it for almost a year now, it has built up a data base on my usual menstrual activity and paints a picture of what my monthly cycle will look like, it's also very handy for me to track PMS and mood in general. It's taught me how to connect to my cycle and how many things it effects through that time of the month. 

I'm worried this section has been quite negative, but no woman's period is always going to be pleasant. It's literally your uterus tearing for fuck sake, it's going to hurt! What coming off the pill has made me realise with regards to my period is how much it effects me on a monthly basis, my decisions, my appetite, my skin etc. And it's so, so refreshing to see what my body does without any influence from chemicals. Bodies are magical and seeing how they tick and function on their own is very, very important for your relationship with them, preach. 

Body_____________________________________________________________________________

So after coming off the pill my weight has fluctuated much more, especially in the first few months of being off it. Now I don't know if that's because I went to Sicily and literally lived off bread and olive oil, or it was the smaller amount of oestrogen, but in the summer I did notice some weight gain. But recently I have started to lose quite a lot of weight again. Now with me being vegan I try to keep an eye on my nutrition intake and it seems to be fine. My food taste has changed as well, although I am much more of a savoury person, I have developed much more of a sweet tooth which maybe could be down to hormone changes or just that I have found the mecca that is vegan snackidge, we'll never know. My digestion has also gotten a lot better, but once again I don't know if that's the vegan diet and the gallons of peppermint tea I now drink. 

I did expect my skin to get worse, after stories from other people coming off the pill. But I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't see many changes. I do now have the inevitable hormonal chin spots, big, heady boys that I try not to pop ew. But nothing too extreme, I have to say after hearing that the combined pill prevents acne, I was pretty worried about the effect less oestrogen would have on my skin, but it mustn't have effected me in that way too much. What I will say about my skin is that the first 6 months of being off the pill had me itching all over with a weird eczema/skin condition thing going on. I started getting dry patches all over my body and had to go to the GP to get some special cream. Whilst I was there I asked her about the pill and she said that it's probably a reaction to the hormone change, which I found really interesting to know. The itchiness stopped after another month using the cream and I haven't had a flare up since so I think that's a sign that my hormones settled down after that. 

Mind____________________________________________________________________________

As soon as I found out my pill had a connection to my anxiety, I knew that coming off it would be difficult with regards to my lil' brain. At first I started to experience what I can only call strange withdrawal symptoms. My brain started to tell me that I needed my contraceptive pill to feel normal and not anxious and as soon as I took it away my anxiety sky rocketed, which I expected to be honest. But it settled much, much sooner than I thought. Maybe it was to do with the therapy I was receiving, or the happier situation I was in during the summer, but by June/July my panic attacks had almost completely stopped and my anxiety was almost none-existent. The only time it reared it's ugly head and still does is when the dreaded PMS comes around. 

I definitely think that the lack of pill has effected my PMS symptoms for the worse and is probably the most negative effect that is still ongoing after coming off the pill. My PMS is something else! As I said my anxiety tends to get worse (no panic attacks in the past few months though) but I also completely withdraw, I forget how to talk to people and almost forget social skills and ways to start conversation it's really weird. I forget words and names, I forget what I have done during the day, I stop talking mid-sentence and my mood man, my mood is something else. I become very, very irritated with the smallest of things, I also become very very unsettled wherever I am and immediately need to get out of any situation I find myself in . I'm essentially a nightmare and I'm still not too sure what I can do about it. This is my body and how it effects me and without chemicals I'm not too sure how to improve it. Of course I've tried more meditation, yoga and diet, but nothing seems to have improved my mood at that moment in time. Maybe it'll just take longer to settle, I know it's not unusual to feel like this during my menstrual cycle, but it is pretty annoying and to be honest I find it very debilitating. 

I have thought about returning to the combined pill, or even trying the implant or something different hormonally to solve this. But once again I don't want to pump my body with chemicals and for all the positive effects coming off the pill has had on my body and mind, it would be ashame to go back to square one because of monthly mood swings. 

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I think I've explained everything I wanted to, it seems that this experience has been quite negative but I know now after all of these symptoms have died down, that my body is much better off without those extra, artificial hormones and un-known chemicals. I also realise that a lot of these symptoms were maybe due to external influences and not at all connected to the pill, but after doing a lot of research on this topic, I do see a relationship between the period of time this was all happening and how long I had been off the pill.

I'm so glad that I decided to do this for myself, I now have a better grasp at how my body works on its own and it has been fascinating to observe. Once again I will say that contraception choice needs to be taken seriously and there a lot of factors to consider when making any decisions to come on or off the combined pill or any other form of hormonal contraception. The NHS website is great but I will also link you to the youtuber Hannah Witton's series called the hormone diaries, where she documents her journey coming off the pill in huge detail and it was basically the inspiration for this blog post. I think things like this are really important to share because many people still don't see the amount of impact hormones can have on their bodies and mind. 

My period is now fully synchronised with the full moon, which I find so reassuring and fascinating, we are all phenomenal women and we should certainly treat our bodies that way! 

I'd love to know if you've had any experiences, positive or negative with coming on or off the pill?

She's Only Gone & Made a Bullet Journal

Instead of a Monday post I thought I'd show you my new means of organisation. The obnoxious bullet journal that I haven't stopped going on about. I was so sceptical to start one of these and it's taken me two diaries not being right for this situation to even occur, but here we are. I decided to dive in that hole and I dove in deep -scrolling through BuJo themed pinterests at 2am- I kind of love my new journal to be honest, even the bright orange aesthetic, I mean I'm not going to lose it anytime soon really! I thought in this post I could show you some pages I've come up with -with the help of 2am pinterest of course- maybe for inspiration? Or just the fact that we're all nosy so and so's. And I need at least somebody to dive into the hole with me!

I tried not to let the 2am pinterest boards and the dozens of Youtube videos distract me from my main aim for this diary 'organisation'. So I tried to keep everything as simple as possible, starting with a future log; because that's what all the BuJo people do don't they? Nah I like it because it shows me what I've got coming up in the months, even before I draw out their spreads. At the moment there's not much going on, just a few birthdays. And before I get angry messages, no it's not finished, so if you're birthday's not there, it doesn't mean I've forgotten you! 

I've seen this idea flitting around a lot and thought it would be a good way of tracking my mood for the year. When I was at CBT I was also encouraged to start one of these, a year too late but oh well. I don't really like the idea of habit tracking, but I thought with a vague and simple thing like this it can't do any harm. I also find great satisfaction colouring in the squares at the end of everyday and it'll be really nice to look back on and hopefully be like 'that was a happy month' because sometimes my brain likes to be a drama queen. Here's to 2018's BIG MOOD!

I've seen bloggers dedicate all their journal to their blog, but that's not my main focus for this year. So I decided to leave it just a double page. I'll basically be dumping ideas for my blog here and lists of things to write about, you know the usual. 

Speaking of lists I thought this would be a good idea. I'm forever forgetting what films I've watched and books I've read and it'll be handy for my review posts. I'm also trying to read more and consume more art in 2018 so hopefully this page will help me do that. 

The inevitable money page. I like how it's empty right now, but hopefully my savings from the last months will go here and help me keep it there. 2018 is going to be a year of saving as much as possible because it's the year of moving house and adulting -and paying off my disgusting amount of student dept- ew. 

So this is the start of my January spread. I've been focusing a lot on exercise and I'm currently in the middle of doing Yoga With Adriene's 30 day yoga challenge. As you can see, I'm doing pretty well, apart from the big gap in the middle of the week where I tend to go out and drink gin and -do not- show up on the mat the next morning, oops. There's also a monthly budget planner because; savings. I'll add each bill to this table and hopefully add up my savings at the end of the month and add it to the page from before. 

My weekly spreads are pretty simple at the moment. A blank page on the left for lists and notes and a 6 line table on the right. I've also inserted the moon phases or each day because that's quite important to me and that's what bullet journals are about; personalisation. It's essentially just a copy of my beloved 2017 Flow Diary layout that I loved so very much, it just works for me. 

There we are, a little obnoxious and finicky, but it could be a lot worse. I think I kept it simple and hopefully this lil' orange notebook will help me get through and enjoy 2018. I have a feeling it's going to be a pretty big year, so I needed a big ol' diary to fill it with. Honestly if you're sceptical about starting one, but you're an organised lil' bean like me, just keep it simple and don't get too caught up in prettiness and faff, no one wants a faffy diary. 

Do you bullet journal? I'd love to share tips and layouts and things.

 And maybe 2am pinterest post ideas? 

       

On Being a Night Owl

I've always had a strange relationship with sleep. When I was a kid I would patter down the stairs multiple times a night to find another form of stimulus because I couldn't sleep, it took me hours, literal hours. 

And nothing much has changed to be honest. When I was in school the early mornings were a huge problem for me because I had been going to bed really late the night before. When I was doing my GCSE's and Alevels I was revising well into the night and I have a feeling that my sleep patterns back then took a huge effect on my exams. When I moved to Uni I had no sleep schedule, literally none, but for some reason I felt more awake in lectures, I was getting loads of work done at three in the morning; more than three in the afternoon and I always felt the most productive past midnight. 

My family are the same. We're all night owls, I didn't realise how unusual feeling productive at night was until I started talking to my friends about it. They had scheduled bedtimes at about ten and woke up at seven or eight the next day, whereas I was staying up until three and waking up at ten. It was quite frustrating, especially in relationships, but I know that people can't help their sleeping habits, just like I can't help mine. 

What I've found is that if I go to bed at two and wake up at half nine, that's the best amount of sleep for me to feel great. Too much or too little and I find myself feeling like a zombie all day it's so strange. I researched this and asked a few of my psychology lecturers and it seems to be that people who are more creative appear to have more problems with sleep. This is due to an overactive mind and creative stimulus. I don't know how true this is and it probably contains a lot of limitations, but from my experience I think that it has truths to it. I always find myself with ideas just when I'm meant to be settling down. Every song I've written so far was created at three or four in the morning, it's just how I operate. 

There's this stigma around night owls I've found. That early birds or 'morning pigeons' -as I like to call them- are much more productive because they can get up at five or six and have their to-do list done by lunchtime. Especially on social media, people strive for that kind of lifestyle and for night owls like me it just seems impossible. I've tried to be a morning pigeon, throughout every year of Uni I had this supposed epiphany that if I got up earlier I'd be able to get more done. But then I wouldn't be able to sleep that night and end up back to square one. I would feel inadequate that I couldn't fit into this magical lifestyle, until I realised I don't have to and I found my perfect sleeping pattern. 

Sleep is a weird thing and it works differently for everyone. If you're a night owl or a morning pigeon it doesn't matter as long as you fit your productivity around that. I don't care that I probably wake up later than all my friends and it takes me longer to get going in the morning because you should see me at night. I think being an evening person is built into my personality and I now know that I can't change that right now, but maybe I'll grow out of it. Maybe I'll get a career that requires me to get up early and I'll find out that I can actually function at five am, things change, but sleeping schedules don't have to. 

I would love to know if you too are a night owl or one of those magical, mystical morning pigeons and how it effects your productivity. I'm currently writing this at 2am, I told you so. 

         

Mellow Youtube Channels

The other day I shared the kind of Youtube videos I like to watch in the morning. Today on this fine eve I share with you the channels that I like to wind down to at night. I like saving these kind of videos for the evening so I can savour them in a sleepy haze. This might sound strange to some but I have a lot of trouble winding down and watching these calming videos always helps me along the way to the land of nod and anything that will help me sleep right now is thoroughly appreciated. So here are the channels that do just that, I feel sleepy just naming them:

DoddleVloggle ____________________________________________________________________

As many of you know Dodie is queen of calming videos. Her ASMR style, soft microphone and breathy voice just instantly calms you and I tend to watch one or two of her videos once a night. It's fair to say that Dodie is one of my favourite Youtubers and I love how open she is about her life online and I am so pleased and proud for the amount of success and recognition she's getting at the moment. I think if I ever met her I'd have to be like 'YOU HELP ME SLEEP' is that creepy? Maybe not.

Conan Gray ______________________________________________________________________

I recently started watching Conan's videos after researching how to put together an art portfolio and stumbling across his channel. I watched all of his videos in 3 days and I fell in love with his aesthetic and his calming vlogs and music. He kind of shares the same soft aesthetic as Dodie and he's so bloody sweet I just want to hug him (I think that's creepy as well, oh God).



Lucy Moon _______________________________________________________________________

Another one of my faves, I'm a bit obsessed with Lucy's aesthetic and her editing style is very unique and I dig it so much. My favourite kind of videos she makes is her 168 hours series because they are so well edited and so calming. She has a way with words that I just adore and her cinematography and colour grading is beautiful.

A lil' bit shorted than my last list but I don't tend to watch a lot of Youtube at night because, sleep. I've also been enjoying Youtubers liveshows at the moment and kind of listen to them like podcasts while I'm drawing or taking off my makeup, so that's a thing as well. Dan Howell's are always wonderful to watch and listen to because he's very intellectual and I agree with a lot of the things that he talks about. If you have a hard time sleeping or winding down maybe give these videos a go. I hope you enjoyed my lil' list, you probably know who all of these people are already but I think they deserve praise and all the success in the world, some very talented individuals. 

What are your favourite mellow youtube channels? 

                                            

Morning & Motivational Youtube Channels

I've been wanting to write an updated version of my favourite Youtube channels for a while now but instead of just listing them, I thought I'd put them into categories. Because I've been waking up earlier I tend to watch more Youtube in the morning now when I'm having my breakfast and I specifically pick out videos on my subscription feed that I know will give me motivation and inspiration for the upcoming day. This tends to be a mixture of vlogs, chatty, food and informative videos that I can really concentrate on because it's the morning and my head isn't filled with the day before. I thought I would construct a little sectioned list of the kind of videos and new subscriptions I tend to watch in the morning:

Vlogs____________________________________________________________________________

Vlogs are a perfect way for me to get me motivated for the day. I don't know about you but there's something about watching someone else make a nice breakfast and complete their daily to-do list that make me want to really do the same. Along with the obvious vlog channels I've spoken about like Zoella and The Michelaks, I have had some new ones added to my list recently:

Helen Anderson - Helen's vlogs are so well put together and I love the way she edits them with the over contrast and special effects. You can tell she puts a lot of effort into her videos and uploading everyday is such a task but it really pays off. I love to watch these first thing in the morning with a cuppa and a to-do list at hand because she is the queen of organisation!

Carrie Hope Fletcher - The theatre has always interested me and Carrie's behind the scenes vlogs are so interesting. To hear about the ins and outs of a very complex career and her day to day routine of getting into character and getting ready is so cool. Watching Carrie's career excel makes me much more motivated to get out of bed and excel at my own dream career one day. 

 

Keira Rose - Although Kiera's vlogs are basically WIEIAD's, her videography skills show a much more unique and diverse way to document the food she ate and you get little snippets of her home life and what she gets up to during the day. Kiera has quickly become one of my favourite Youtubers and I love how she inserts her personality and humour into every one of her vlogs.

Chatty___________________________________________________________________________

I love a good chatty video in the morning. Especially when I've got a bit of time and I can eat my breakfast and sort out what I'm doing that day with a nice one way conversation, this is not weird to me at all. I think being mostly an introvert I like chatty videos because they allow me to just sit back and listen and not join in. I also like to watch these kind of videos when I'm getting ready for the day and putting on my make up. The queens of chat in my subscription feed are:

Louise Pentland - Obviously we all know Louise and her incredibly grounding and laid back style. I love her vlogs equally but I have really been enjoying watching her storytime series, where she just sits infront of the camera and recalls a funny event that happened. They are always side splitting and so cringy in the best possible way.

Bethany Austin - Yep, the blogosphere's very own Curly&Wordy has gone into Youtube and I am loving her content! I think she's bringing a new take on the blogging and video style and linking the two, she talks the same way as you'd read her blog and the topics she has covered so far are very interesting and I'm ever so excited for more content in the same calming and grounding aesthetic. 

Simply-Kenna - I've been watching Kenna for a while now and I love how much her channel and content has grown. Her 'coffee with Kenna' videos make me feel so relaxed and I love to hear her opinions on things from anime to her sexuality which I find so interesting and it's so wonderful to see an Ace influencer thriving from just being herself. 

 

Food_____________________________________________________________________________

There isn't a better time to watch food videos than the morning or afternoon when you've got some actual food in front of you. Although I am vegan I tend to watch other cooking based channels quite a lot and just fast forward the meaty parts, they have to be entertaining though. Although Cam & Nina are still king and queen of the vegan recipe vlogs I have been watching a few new people recently:

Honey Bunch of Onion Tops - I found Phoebe through The Mustards and was extremely appealed by her fast and snappy morning content. Her recipes all look super easy and simple and so filling and I love the angles she uses and the way she edits. Perfect videos for making you hungry in the morning.

Sorted Food - Although they're a mostly carnivorous channel, I still love their banter. I like the challenges they do and I am thoroughly enjoying Fridge Cam at the moment. They make food fun and easy and I have picked up so many techniques from them especially how to cut fruit and veg in a fast and safe way. They also have done a few vegan recipes in the past and I like that they acknowledge us as a community. Please do a vegan week for Fridge Cam it would make my life!

Haley Blais - My bae Haley Blais. Her videos are perfect for any time of the day really but I love watching her WIEIAD vids in the morning. Her take on a realistic vegan diet is hilarious but yet still informative and I just love her humour and the way she edits her videos. Be friends with me please Haley. 

Informative ______________________________________________________________________

As I said before I tend to have more headspace in the morning, meaning that I enjoy watching informative videos I really need to concentrate on at this time of day. I like to watch science or psychology based videos, or videos where people express opinions or facts about important things. Sometimes I like to watch videos where a certain issue is addressed and then I can think about the issue and what I can do about it for the rest of the day. I love learning and what better time to do it than in the morning:

Sarah Hawkinson - My psychology BFF (I wish). I love her psychology videos so much and although I already know most of the stuff because we share the same degree, it's interesting to know her opinions on it and she's just so damn good at explaining things! I love her articulation and how she makes psychology accessible to everybody.

Hannah Witton - I love Hannah and her content and I love watching her more informative videos in the morning especially if it's around that certain time of the month. The Hormone Diaries is one of the best 'series' on youtube in my opinion and really, really important. I too came off the pill along with Hannah and I love watching her journey and it's very reassuring to know we share some of the same symptoms. 

Leena Norms - Although I like to watch Lena's videos in the evening as well because they calm me. I like to watch her more informative videos in the morning so I can stew over the issues and take it all in, I love her political videos the most and I love how ballsy she is with what she says and her opinions, I think we could all learn a lot from Leena.

So those are my go-to Youtube channels I watch in the morning. It differs obviously depending what mood I'm in and how much time I have, but I think being presented by this kind of stimulus at the beginning of the day can be really beneficial because obviously your mind is going to be much more open and prepared for the day.

There will be a second post in this series coming soon and I hope it has given you some insight into what channels to watch in the morning, obviously it's down to personal preference though and that's the cool thing about Youtube; you can watch anything at any time of the day.

 Are there any specific channels or types of videos you like to watch in the morning? 

                                                   

Ethical Fashion

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but I wanted to become more informed first. I've always been aware that some high street stores aren't great with their ethics and where the materials come from but before delving into this issue I didn't know it was as bad as it actually was. That's why I've decided to make a change (alright Michael Jackson).

From a young age we are conditioned to think that clothes are important, that what we wear signifies some form of class or currency. I remember becoming interested in fashion in the middle of secondary school. My wardrobe expanded and there were many, many visits to Primark (sorry mum). Although I was a self proclaimed hipster (ew) I was still dressing in cheap clothes because everyone else was and well; they were cheap, I didn't know any different.  And that's the trouble, I recently watched the very famous documentary called 'The True Cost' and they said that the reason clothes are becoming so cheap is because of the high demand for it, from angsty teenagers who shop in Primark in a desperate attempt to become popular. And why is this? Because of the media. Advertisement for fashion is very manipulative, making us think that if we buy this specific item of clothing we will have more worth than if we don't. It persuades us to put all of our identity into the clothes we wear and more specifically; the brands we buy them from.

Compared to the 4 fashion seasons that we began with, fast fashion has created an extra 52 micro seasons in which brands must keep up with the demand for clothing that is still 'on trend'. Because of this, brands seek cheaper ways to make the clothes sacrificing the health and safety of their workers; if you haven't seen or read about the Rana Plaza disaster in which 1,138 people died and another 2,500 were injured, go and read about it, it's important to be aware that these things happen because it was thoroughly neglected from the news headlines. Fast fashion also has a huge impact on the environment and according to  Greenpeace's research; the chemicals used to treat and dye clothes are polluting rivers and the clothing industry takes up 3% of global production of C02 emissions, that's not too far behind from animal agriculture.  

Now, as all of you may know I am a vegan and have been for a year and a half now. I have been focusing all of my education and energy into veganism and the lifestyle that I have chosen to lead but whilst I was doing this, I wasn't noticing something as equally wrong with the world standing right in front of me. Now I have settled into my vegan lifestyle and am comfortable with my choices and what I consume, I need to sort out where my clothes come from. That's the next step for me. After reading amazing blogposts from Bethany and Grace who are much more educated on this topic as they have been living an ethical fashion lifestyle for a while now, I would encourage you to go and read their posts too. The moment it hit me that I need to change my fashion choices is when I put on a jumper from H&M after reading Bethany's post about the same topic. The jumper reads 'Feminism; The Radical Notion that Women are People'. I just stared at myself in the mirror wearing this jumper and feeling disgusted with the company that made it and to be honest a little at myself for buying and wearing it. That jumper was probably made by a woman that had all her rights taken away, how dare they promote feminism when their brand don't allow pregnant women maternity leave so they have to give birth in the corridor, how dare they create this facade that they actually care about women and then employ young girls and place them in unsafe environments.
How. Fucking. Dare. They.

I was so angry and then, I decided to make a change.

I decided from there and then that I would only shop ethically from now on. Be it from ethical clothing brands, vintage swap shops and charity shops. Similar to going cruelty free I will be keeping the clothes I already own until I grow out of them or have no use for them and then they will be given to charity. I already completed the 333 minimalism challenge, so after a little change around I am happy with my wardrobe for now.  But I will be trying my absolute best to shop ethically from now on, I know it will be a transition of learning and education similar to veganism and I might get it wrong, but at least I'm trying and at least I've finally opened my eyes into the mistreatment and sheer hypocrisy and how far brands will go to makesure they're still on top and we're all still brainwashed. There's a whole psychological theory around this about higher powers becoming desensitised and things and I could write another post about that if you wanted me to?

For now though I would highly encourage you to begin educating yourself. Read Bethany and Sophie's posts and watch The True Cost and then head over to Fashion Revolution and see what you can do to help. There is also a very useful Fashion Transparency PDF file that you can download and it shows you which brands are the most ethically conscious or trying to be at least.

 I feel extremely passionate about this but you must understand I've been under their spell for years and have a lot of learning to do. But I know it will all be for the best and I'll be able to sleep better at night knowing I'm not contributing towards this hideous industry and hoping to bring awareness so we can change it. I want you to come on this journey with me, you wont regret it. Those leggings from Primark can wait. Speaking of leggings I'm finding it really hard to find certain staples such as; underwear, tights, leggings etc and it would be so helpful for my already ethically aware pals to point me in the direction of a good brand that does good staple garments that are ethical, thanks in advance!

Will you join the fashion revolution?

                                               

New Pins

I know I've been doing pretty well at May Everyday, but this week is very busy so prepare for short shit-post style blogposts, sorry! Normal, lengthy, deep blogposts will ensue after this week. 

You all know how much a love Pinterest, but when I spoke about it last time I was relatively new to it. And since then I have gathered some more pins and established many new pin boards, so I thought I'd introduce you to them:

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thetic - During the last few months I've been having a bit of a crisis and to second that the crisis caused an internal identity crisis inside of me. So I turned to Pinterest to build up my aesthetic. This will sound really stupid to some people but it really comforted me gathering arty pictures in the colour palette that I love. I have had a little love affair with the colour yellow, or more specifically; the colour lemon. I don't know why this has changed so drastically, I think it's maybe the raincoat I bought last year but I used to hate yellow but now I'm really attracted to it. This pinboard contains pretty and pale pictures of things I like that make a lovely colour palette. Also some arty Ravenclaw style photos and a lot of flatlays of books and The 1975 albums, you're welcome. 

Growth - To carry on with the crisis, I decided to create a pinboard containing quotes and positive wording surrounding nature and plants. This pinboard calms me greatly and at the moment I feel like I am growing much more as a person than I have done in the past. I also love the pastel shades of this board and some of the quotes are quite unusual but incredibly helpful. This board contains a lot of Rupi Kaur; A LOT. 

Lads - I've been crushin' an awful lot recently. So I created a pinboard of my faves, made up of pretty photos of them. I hope this isn't too objectifying , I just like their faces. 

Style - I know I've written about this before but this is one of my favourite boards because clothes. I'm gradually making the transition into ethical fashion (more on that later I promise) and this board gives me inspiration for outfits I could create from charity shops. I'm currently going for the bag lady look, it's the new chic okay. 

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Pinterest calms me and I know my boards are a bit silly but they help me a lot on bad days. They give me the inspiration I need to get out of bed and do things, even if that is just Matty Healy's face or a nice kitchen. I don't know how that works either, but it totally does. 

What do you like to pin?

                                                 

PM Routine

So on Friday I shared my mundane and cynical morning routine. It's only a given that I would be sharing my evening routine too, everything comes in twos. I've finally found my peak time for going to sleep and it's quite surprising because I only get about 5/6 hours sleep, but if I have more I feel tired all day and if I have less well, zombie alert! This is the perfect in-between and it allows me to be productive in the evening and have time to wind down as well, win win.

21:00 - After eating tea and washing the dishes, my housemate and I tend to watch an episode or two of a TV series. At the moment we are watching Girl Boss and enjoying it thoroughly. This is when I will also read some blogposts and maybe research things for travelling and make un-realistic plans for the summer.

22:00 - Head upstairs after cleaning my teeth and maybe a shower or bath and play a little bit of keyboard or guitar. Quietly I might add, I'm not a monster. Or maybe if it's a little later I will draw or paint.

22:15 - Pop on Youtube and watch something like a long vlog. I'm currently watching Hazel's Time of the Month Series from the beginning and may I add if you're a few months into a break up, it's honestly the best thing to watch. Her thoughts and honesty on her situation are so wise and inspirational and then you get to watch her heal and grow afterwards and it just makes you feel things y'know? If I'm not in the mood for Youtube I will turn to my record player and maybe play something quite mellow. I've been listening to Banks a lot lately and this record means everything to me, it's perfect evening music as well.

22:30 - Tie my hair up and begin my cleansing routine. I still cleanse my face with the 9to5 cleanser from Lush and the Aroma water also from Lush. But I now use a toner after removing my makeup because I am an adult now and need to keep my red face at bay. I'm currently using the Pixi Glow Tonic and it is a lifesaver, I love it and I'll probably use it for a long, long time now. I have just invested in the big bottle and that makes me very happy. It smells of freshly cut grass and moss but not in a weird way and it's just really refreshing and makes my skin so smooth. I will then apply some moisturiser if I'm feeling extra luxurious, Celestial from Lush has been another staple for a long time.

23:00 - This is when I decide whether my hair needs another tame before bed. If it does I will quickly put it into sections and run a straightener over it on a very light heat. It might seem that I straighten my hair a lot but because of I use such a light heat and heat protector it's fine and it doesn't knock all the curl out, just enough to make it droppy' (there's that word again) and wavy. I will then plait my hair in pigtails or one long ponytail depending on how I feel.

23:20 - Apply some hand cream and E45. This is a very important step at the moment because my hands have been extra dry and itchy and my skin has been extra itchy. I don't know if it's hayfever based or if it's because I've come off my pill; because that is a common thing that can happen. But I'm not enjoying it one bit.

23:30 - Get into bed and watch some more Youtube, probably something new on my subscription feed and something that needs to be concentrated on.

00:00 - Stop with the Youtube and shut down my laptop. Begin my meditation routine, I'm currently using the Smiling Mind meditation app, in my opinion it's the best one because of the diversity of the exercises and the sexy voiced Australian man.

00:20 - Read. I'm currently reading Doing It by Hannah Whitton one of my all time favourite Youtubers (I'm sorry this is very Youtube heavy, promise not spon) it's a book all about sex and seems as I'm a newly single gal' my boo Emily thought it would be a very useful gift and after reading it for a day I am already thoroughly enjoying it.

00:30/01:00 - Lights out, bed time. I try and get to sleep at 1 but it sometimes ends up being later. I don't have the greatest relationship with sleep as we all know and there's no point in lying in bed wide awake when you could be doing other things. If I'm having a particularly bad night I will pop on my Rain Rain app and maybe write something in my diary, if we're lucky maybe a song. It's how I role these days.

I hope you enjoyed my long winded evening routine, I fit quite a lot in in the evenings. Even though I do get up earlier I am still definitely a night owl. 

                                               

AM Routine

Since writing about my winter AM routine my mornings have changed quite drastically. I have now become a functioning human who gets up at a reasonable time and does work and writes blog posts and reads and I don't know what's happened either! I think it's the change of season and my circadian rhythm and all that. It's great, I'm not complaining I get so much more done and when I actually do leave the house I feel so much more refreshed and prepared for life.


07.00 - Arise from my morning slumber and take in the morning for a little bit. This shows me sitting in bed without my phone and just doing some breathing exercises. It helps ground me for the day ahead, I sometimes write in my diary as well, it's a nice way to start the day without phones and things (I told you I don't know who I am anymore). I also like to adorn my spring/summer pyjamas consisting of the cutest pyjama shorts.

07.30 - Scroll through Bloglovin', read some posts and comment on them and catch up on Youtube (nothing's changed there).

08.00 - Go downstairs and drink a pint of water and shower.

08.30 - Cut up a navel orange and eat whilst scrolling through social media. This is my summer breakfast and it's surprising how much one orange can fill you up for a whole morning. If I am more hungry though I tend to have a bit of granola and Alpo yogurt with some fruits.

09.00 - Leave bed and proceed to the desk where I do either some work or, especially this month ; write a blogpost or two.

09.30 - Pop on something to watch. At the moment it's Steven Universe, a perfect light hearted morning program. But sometimes I put a playlist or the radio on instead, or some lengthy Youtube videos I haven't had time to watch.

10.00 - Begin getting ready. Take your cute makeup bags that match your new lemon yellow aesthetic and decide what needs to happen with your face. I'm tending to go for quite a subtle make up look at the moment especially on my skin because my freckles have started to come through and that's very exciting and I want to show them off.

10.10 - Moisturise with Lush moisturiser and SPF (very important)

10.15 - Apply other make ups, I like to keep it simple with a little bit of highlight and then (if I can be arsed) some nice blended eye shadow. I've been enjoying pink at the moment, which is an unusual colour for me but I think it's nice for spring. At a photoshoot recently I got a compliment about my make up from a PROFESSIONAL MAKEUP ARTIST, she said she didn't need to do anything to my makeup because it was PERFECT, wat. I've also started curling my lashes like the professional that I am and I think it makes the world of difference, somedays I don't even put mascara on anymore.

Just a side note before we continue; I recently watched Bethany's video about her relationship with make up and whether we apply it for fun or to please society and hide our flaws. I put make up on mostly for fun, I enjoy this time of day so much, to just be with myself and my own thoughts and something I like to watch on the laptop or music. I think stroking various things on your face can be quite cathartic in a way and I just wanted to stress that this is why you should be doing it and if you feel an amount of pressure to cover your flaws in this weird stuff, you should maybe re-think why you take the time to apply it in the first place. Now lets continue:

11.00 - Do hair, tame hair, do whatever you can with it. It has its own sentience so just deal with it the best you can, it might be stubborn. Especially now you're growing out your fringe. I tend to run a straightener over it on the lightest heat, just to calm the curls and make them more droppy'? If that's a word, like when long curls drop down your back, I try and go for something like that. But apparently on this day I tied it up, it must have been too out of hand.

11.30 - Choose a cute outfit that reflects my mood and personality at the time. Probably either something black, grey or BRIGHT YELLOW because; lemon aesthetic. We went for grey today, like my soul.

12.00 - Pack bag, clean teeth and leave the house much later than probably intended. If you need to be anywhere, if not, go take a walk somewhere. Get yourself out of the house anyway, enjoy the outside. Then come back in and probably get back into bed, it's only a given pal.

I hope you enjoyed another slightly sarcastic. but more put together morning routine. Whenever I write these I have lots of fun, but I can't help thinking how stupid they are at the same time! 

Is your morning routine similar to mine?

                                          

My Experiences with Therapy

Wow, look at that deep shot. I was waiting to post this for another week, but seems as it's Mental Health Awareness Week I thought it was only fitting to publish this now. 

Like many bloggers I have always been honest with my experiences of mental health because I think it's very important to talk about it and tackle that stigma. That being said I have never actually written a post about my anxiety as a whole and where it came from etc. I don't know why this is, I was planning to do a photoset about it but I think because I am in a pretty good mind-frame with regards to my mental health now, I don't really want to delve back into that rabbit hole to be honest, maybe later. I have written a post about how Christmas effects my anxiety when I was doing Blogmas so you can go give that a read if you want? I just want to add a disclaimer before we begin as well that these are my own, personal experiences with therapy. Mental health is subjective and therefore should be treated differently with each person, that's my personal philosophy anyway I don't think many doctors would agree with me however; yeah, when you're reading this don't apply it to your own mental health and if you think you need therapy don't take my experiences as an example of the experience you will have, yeah? Shall we begin?

I'm going to be talking about two types of therapy I have experienced and how they compare to each other, again just reiterating these are my own experiences and both completely different types of therapy that work in completely different ways. In December 2015 my anxiety reached an all time high, I was miserable, I couldn't go outside much and would only talk to my very close friends and Gareth. I found it very difficult planning things because I just didn't want to leave the house, there were many times I almost didn't go and see Gareth at Uni because the train journeys frightened me so much and when I did have to get on the train I was guaranteed to have a panic attack. During this period I was also having some problems at my Uni house with conflict and things (we won't go into that). Basically I was having a bit of a shit time, I had mild agoraphobia and was terrified of going off my to-do list, I went to a doctor and they told me I needed to be on citalopram and because I studied psychology I new the effects of this drug and what it was used for (it shouldn't have been given to me in my position) good ol' doctors eh! I went home and did some research and found that I would be able to join a long ol' waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in my local area and it would be free, hurrah! 

CBT was interesting, I had been learning about it in Uni for a while so actually experiencing it was quite bizarre but it put me in a good position because I went in knowing what was in store. My therapist was wonderful and they were so supportive with my strange anxious mind. I got 8 sessions, one a week and through those sessions we worked through the route to my anxiety and then began exposure therapy. The thing is with CBT it requires a lot of work, homework for your brain basically, I was given a lot of sheets that I had to work through each session and I actually really enjoyed it because it allowed me to see me grow and the difference in mood and behaviour and from a psych student's point of view that's so interesting to see yourself all laid out like that. Exposure therapy is a specific form of therapy when a person's anxiety revolves around a particular thing. So with me it was trains and public places, so every week I would have to go and sit in the train station for an hour and just 'be'. I wasn't allowed to bring my sketchbook or headphones, I just had to be in the moment and that scared me at first but then I just found it boring. Boring is good, boring is amazing because you're not anxious when you're bored, you are lethargic, relaxed. I would much rather be bored than anxious any day! I also had to go into my Uni canteen and sit on my own for 20 mins every week, which was hell on earth I hated it. But I did it a few times and then we decided to scrap it because it was making me really un-comfortable, see therapists do actually listen to you! I also had to do some other tasks such as; go to the hairdressers, get in a taxi, take the bus to town which I competed eventually. The thing is with CBT is that you're only allowed 8 sessions and these things normally take longer than 8 sessions to get over but in their defence they do give you loads of workbooks and resources to work through afterwards which were really helpful. All in all I had a good experience with CBT and I think it definitely helped me overcome the beginnings of agoraphobia and made me think differently about my anxiety, although it didn't really tackle my generalised anxiety about nothing in particular. A lot of psychologists slate CBT for being counter productive because you are left to your own devices a lot and just having 8 sessions but I think if you're willing to make a difference to your mental health it will work for you, but you do have to put the work in. 

I now attend talking therapy every 2 weeks and this is completely different to CBT. It's a very stereotypical setup, the two chairs facing eachother, the table with the tissues on, the plant in the corner. My therapist's so nice though and we just talk about life really, I found it very difficult at first opening up to them about things but now it kind of comes naturally, there are still a few awkward moments where I really don't want to talk about something but they do quickly change the subject. Talking therapy is very different to CBT because it's kind of all on you, with CBT the therapist tends to tell you about things and how to fill this sheet in and what you're going to do during the week. Talking therapy is more one sided and personal and that can scare some people away but you soon feel comfortable. I also get exercises to do at this therapy which are sooo different to CBT it's un-believable, I love them though because they are so creative. Last week for example I was told to draw something with my left hand and also to sing my chakras every morning, my therapist is a bit of a hippy and I love it! I can't say how much this kind of therapy has helped me yet because I have only had about 4 sessions but I am interested into whether it causes me to become enlightened and have a huge self discovery, we'll just have to see! If it helps me sleep better at night that would be great. 

 So that's my journey with therapy, it's not very big but I think it's enough to talk about and as I said before I think it's very important to talk about these things on a normal level. I have had an all round positive experience with therapy and after my experiences with it I believe that everyone should have therapy, even just giving it a go. Human beans are naturally flawed and anxious and talking to someone you don't know or never will know again about even the most mundane issues is so cathartic, honestly it's bloody great. 

I would love to hear your experiences with therapy if you have had any or just if you are interested about what it entails, I hope this has maybe helped explain it a little more personally. 

Brb just going to sing my chakras.